When I read articles or watch trending feeds, they plant a shadowy seed in a dark corner of my brain. Fields of shadowy seeds, yet to germinate span the horizons of my mind. Enough seeds planted in the same field and eventually, the planting starts to germinate in that shadowy corner, growing slowly as the light only reaches it occasionally in sporatic flashes. This is the best way I can describe how I think on events and topics. Topics all intersect with one another - seeds from seemingly unconnected articles and conversations having been thrown in the same field.
Lately, it seems as if all these seeds have been sewn in a field dedicated to women's issues, but more specifically, young women in America of child-bearing age, say 20 - 35.
I get so frustrated by how media portrays us - young women - (especially commercials - have you seen those BMW commercials that air during Olympic Primetime?!) and annoyed at articles written by men or moms thinking they know what's up.
Here's the truth: moms and men don't know what it's like to be a young woman today. If you are a man or a mom: You don't. You are not one.
More importantly, all these messages we receive (men and women) from the moment we are in this world, create a lifetime of hurdles to jump in order to find what makes us happy. You have to sift through all the things that you think should make you happy, I mean, that's what everyone tells me will make me happy, before you can even start to uncover what really will make you happy (this ties into my thoughts later on still growing and waiting on marriage).
Think on Disney Princess movies. Growing up, you might have connected with Disney Princesses. What's the message there? One, that there is only one right person for you, he's a prince either in name or a diamond in the rough prince, who will fight evil and go through all extremes to be with you. Sure, recent movies have somewhat flexed in their message, but it's still there. Especially if you are in the 30 + crowd.
What are the expectations there for a partner? We will "live happily ever after", he will sacrifice himself for you to give you everything you ever needed, he will always be strong and triumphant, he will forgive all of your flaws because he was instantly smitten with your beauty (hopefully you are beautiful, thin, and have great hair). Oh, and be sure to get married or find your match when you are like, 16. Cause, that's when it will happen. I mean, maybe when you are 18 or 20, but after that you are just too old.
Huh. Well, it turns out that in order to "live happily ever after" you have to work hard at it and both of you have to compromise. And if you ask someone to sacrifice all of themselves, they end up with nothing of themselves.
As to your man being strong and triumphant always - it turns out it is better to rely on yourself. Do your own research, learn to stand on your own feet. That way between the two of you, you can make a good decision. Relying on someone else to make all your decisions just leads to helplessness and spite (perhaps you know a mom who allowed her husband to make all of her decisions for her and you have seen this yourself **I'm not lumping all moms in this category! I'm just saying to look around and take note if there is one.).
AND, as to forgiving all your sins because you are beautiful, well, actually, that does work. Kidding. Hopefully, you find a partner who forgives you (and you forgive them) not because you are beautiful, but because you are worth it. Because you are the kind of person worth forgiving.
As to age, well...I'm sure you've all heard of or read the Princeton Mom's article on being sure to use college to find a man to marry. I've been thinking about the marriage-mart a lot over the years and it just all came back and slapped me in the face when I read that article.
I went to an all women's college, so whoops.
But really. Let me briefly respond to the idea that you must find a man in college: 1. Internet dating is forever. 2. How many of those who jumped into relationships young are divorced? In my circles, many. I had been in maybe 10 weddings before I was married, of those...let's see who is still married...two couples. I've been to lots of other weddings where the couple is still together, but the greater message to me has been that an early marriage does not mean a happy one. AND, that people are still changing and growing tremendously after college and folks often grow apart. AND that not everyone is really ready for marriage at 25, but society tells us we should get married before we will look old in our pictures.
(Side note: I worked with a Chinese girl who told me once that after 25 you are "left over Christmas cake" - meaning that everyone loved Christmas cookies, cakes, sweets before and on Christmas, but once 26 hits, no one is interested. - Good grief!)
In our parents' generation, society helped us to see that women played 2nd fiddle to men (that's sarcasm, folks). But today, women don't have to put their own wishes aside for a dude. Do you want a career? (it's okay if the answer is no. it's also okay if the answer is yes!) Not sure if you do or not want kids? Oh, and you don't have to settle for the first guy you sleep with. That doesn't make you a slut, that makes you practical.
As to wanting kids... There have been a lot of articles about women who don't want kids flying around. You've read them, I'm sure. That's great if you don't want kids. You don't have to want kids.
BUT, it's also okay if you don't know. OR, if you don't want kids and then you decide five years later that oh, you really DO want kids. OR if you want kids want kids want kids (and if later you decide, 'what was I thinking! I don't want kids!', that's okay too). You don't need to make up your mind now, you don't need to get married just because you might want to have kids. You can decide later, and you can always adopt. It's okay to change your mind.
Speaking of burning down the planet and getting back to one other important issue I want to touch on: appearance. Women and girls and beauty and Disney and stories. When was the last time you saw an overweight Disney Princess? What message does that send? Come to think of it, when was the last time you saw an overweight girl heroine (not woman, girl)?
I remember reading, "Fit is the new Skinny". That's ridiculous. Skinny is skinny. Fit is fit. They are not the same. If you are physically fit, then that's amazing. Don't belittle it by saying fit is the new skinny. Just embrace fit as fit. It's like someone saying Orange is the New Black (and meaning it in fashion). It isn't. Black is black is will always be black.
I'mma let you in on a not-so-secret. I'm skinny. It's genetic. I have a sweet tooth that takes up my entire mouth and makes it hard for me to talk. I'm also pretty. Sorry, it's true. But, there are still tons of things I would change about myself (that's the not-so-secret). I consider myself to be fairly accepting of myself, but I still find I am extremely critical. I'm never going to look like a Disney Princess. First, I don't have the hair for it. I have super shitty hair. Secondly, I can't sing, and that's a big part of being a DP. Also, I don't have that straight nose. Seriously, though, it's like trying to be a Barbie Doll - physically impossible.
There's a great short TED talk by a super model who talks about how super models are the most self-conscious people on the planet. That's what I'm talking about.
We live in a place were people are telling you that to be happy, you need to be skinny and beautiful, you need to find a man, you need to have kids, you need a big TV and fancy clothes.
I guess I think it's all bull. I'm happier than I've ever been. I do have a husband, but my happiness does not come from him (although, I'm happy to share my happy life with him). My happiness comes from my self-fulfillment. Truly. I don't own a car, I don't have a fancy house, I can't buy lots of expensive clothing.
You want to be happy? Be thankful. Be honest with yourself. Find your personal mission statement and use that as your North Star.
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