Civility and Gratitude

Life has recently conspired to send me the same message over and over.  I can be somewhat obtuse and slow-witted, so perhaps Cosmic Karma is covering all her bases to be sure her message eventually is clear.

I have been receiving this centering message via literature, social engagement, social media, current events, and chance happenings.  My message has been delivered to be timed with the holidays and turning of the calendar year, which has intensified its meaning and added deeper thought to an otherwise only slightly contemplative time.

As my message has been materializing as a soft whisper or slight suggestion for a number of weeks, I've had a chance to mull it over.  It's turned in my brain, entered my dreams, colored my holiday baking.  I've almost grasped at her meaning in a moment of distraction or daydreaming only to lose sight of her when my eyes returned focus to the physical around me.  And so, I write this post without a fully realized understanding, but with a reach for something more profound.

...

I've been doing a lot of reading...finally getting around to reading Sinclair's The Jungle*, as well as Burrough's Junky (just finished this morning), Proust's Swann's Way*, and some weeks ago having finished Mulligan's Call of the Lark in which she describes her youth in an impoverished Ireland, and reading online articles including articles such as this article oh and this article too.

Standout recent events have stayed with me as stock for the message soup.  Notably, my grandmom's loss of her jewelry (stolen - including her high school class ring and other items worth more in emotional than monetary significance) and a frank discussion with friends who have so much to be grateful for, but are bitter and angry instead.

Each of my readings, of my gatherings with friends and family, of my job hunt and struggle with the give and take of a capitalistic society, of my growing appreciation for a partner I love but also am so grateful for, and of my struggle with creativity in all her forms, each of these has entered into a dialog with my reading and these other events.

I am filled with a warring sense of gratitude, annoyance, and sadness.  Annoyed that we can live in a system which seems powerless to help those who really need it and more importantly, a system which places blame on those who are the least fortunate of us.  That the scapegoat becomes the poor, uneducated, and underprivileged.  Annoyed to hear those with means and even those with just enough blame those with very little instead of those with much.

...

Some months ago, I was struck by a conversation similar to this article (or here on the Huff Post) which speaks to sharing.

Toddlers know they should share, but the compulsion to keep their booty for themselves wins out.  As children age and mature and are able to balance their emotions with a moral inner-dialog, their ability to share grows.  Children at 5 or 6 share somewhat, children at 7 or 8 are sharing half of their bounty.

Applied to those members of our society, I have determined that those of the 1% and wealthy top percents are, therefore, the toddlers of our society.  They do not possess the moral inner-dialog which allows them to share.  Instead they buy politicians who create laws to allow them to take more from others.  Instead they hold their money.  Instead banks do not lend, minimum wage is not increased, food safety is not addressed, the environment is laid to waste.  All so that the toddlers of our society may have a 2nd jet or a 3rd yacht.  These are the most savage of us.  These are the people who are beholden to their own basest yearnings - the most uncivilized among us.

I suppose most of us fall somewhere between toddler and eight-year old.  And a few - the truly civilized of the bunch, share nearly everything.  These are the Mother Theresas of the world, the Pope Francises, the man who is talented, but shares his talent NOT for a high-paying corporate job, but to be an educator, a pastor, a mentor.

I confess, I'm a sucker for a pretty pair of shoes, I'd love to re-do my kitchen, and I am subject to be drawn in by Pinterest.

I'm not advocating we all become Mother Theresa.  I suppose I'm merely remarking that those who should be most respected are not those who have been handed wealth (or gotten there by dubious and selfish means), but by those who choose to share.  Those who share their wealth, their time, their talents.

I digress...

To come back to the gratitude and walk away from the annoyance (or perhaps, put it on the shelf and use it to fuel my letter-writing, volunteering, and other such motivations), I wish to advocate, my faithful reader, for gratitude.  Yes.  Yes.  My earlier...um, rant, perhaps aside, I am also every day reminded of how lucky I am.

I am saddened when I hear people with so much speak only of what they feel has been wrongly taken from them.  To hear others measure the sum of their lives as a monetary sum which they have lost over the years.  Annoyed to listen to people look to others as if they owe them something.

I believe it is all perspective.  Happiness is a choice.  We do encounter truly difficult things.  Everyone has their demons they fight every day.  You may not see them, but they are there.  BUT, for most of us, despite trials and difficulties, we have much to be thankful for.

I'm still not sure exactly what the message is...perhaps to be thankful for what you have.  Look at what you have and appreciate what you have today, right now, in this very moment.  Let the little things go.  Embrace the gifts you do have.  Work for betterment.  Let go of anger and bitterness or better yet, use it to fuel action toward the positive.

I'm very lucky.  I try to remember this in every moment.  It isn't always easy, but it's there.  I only need look for it.

*available for free through DailyLit.com or other such sites that gain access to classics

Part III: Sometimes my inner commentary sounds like tweets from The Onion

- Gingerbread man annoyed with putting foot in mouth at every party.

- Heated blanket already tired of winter.

- Cat diets: "If I could just lose a pound, I'll fit into my holiday outfit."

- Hottest new cookie cutter: the Miley Twerk.

- Man becomes cuddly bear around babies.  Then he becomes hungry and eats the babies.

- Friend relieved to hear what girl has for lunch everyday on Facebook.  "It bothers me all morning."

- Fringe lamp in grandmom's basement finally getting its due.

- January.

- Cat giving up ruining furniture for lent.  "I've done my part.  Plus, I need to regrow my nails."

- Christmas tree sets fire only to ugly ornaments.  "It's a blessing.  Now we don't have to pretend to like them every year, but have a great excuse for why they aren't on the tree."

- Spotlight on Recession Cutbacks: working in a shared cubicle with a shared chair.

- "I just don't like dogs," explains satanist.

- Awkward girl has really funny things to say but bad timing.  "Or I just forget them before I can say them," she confesses, "but I really am funny."

- Santa decides against delivering toys in Vatican City, "They already have plenty of fat men in costumes who can give out presents.  Plus, Wiki says it's 0.000011% of the population."

- "He never answers a question directly.  It's always riddles with him!" exasperated wife of Merl Reagle confides.

- Breaking: Netflix Instant admits to taking at least 30 seconds to load.

- Girl leaves job to do more laundry.  "We just go through so many towels."

Interview! Interview? Interview?? Bueller?

I'd like to thank this organization for reading my blog and then proceeding in such a way as to generate material for a new blog post.  
That's the only logical explanation, so that's what I'm going with...

On Thursday about 10 am I received an email invitation to interview for a job (I had just applied about 5 am, so this was very exciting!).  

Phone interview would be on Tuesday (today) - requested I select time slot from list in the email.

I replied around noon (same day / Thursday) with something along the lines of: thank you for the opportunity to learn more about [Company X] and the position.  I'm available time 1 and time 2.  [etc.]

No reply or confirmation Thursday or Friday.

I emailed them again Monday: Thank you again for your help in scheduling the phone interview for tomorrow. Please confirm the time so that I may adjust my schedule accordingly. If you would please also let me know with whom my interview is scheduled, I will prepare my questions appropriately. [etc.]

No reply Monday, no reply or call today.

You'd think I had contacted them and asked them for an interview. Nope. They did indeed contact me about the interview - complete with a date and time slots.  I went back and re-read it about 10 times to be sure I wasn't making it all up.

Yeah, it's cool. No need to even drop a short email. I can only assume that Company X sees themselves as so high and mighty that as an applicant, I do not even warrant the courtesy of a 'thanks but no thanks' after YOU CONTACTED ME.

I'll just scratch this non-profit off my list of organizations I may wish to work for and add them to the 'WTF is wrong with these people?' list.  

This WTF list is getting kinda long...

Sigh... Interviews, Interviews, Interviews!

If you read this blog, you know I've been interviewing quite a bit (something like 12 interviews in as many weeks and a few I've turned down).  It's great because I'm getting great return on those positions I've applied to.  I believe my return was helped  by narrowing the application field and apply a focused attention to those positions which are a great fit.

BUT, interviewing is just about the most frustrating experience one can have.  I've tackled this on many a previous post (there are many frustrations), but KING OF THE FRUSTRATIONS is:

THEY'VE ALREADY DECIDED TO HIRE SOMEONE ELSE BEFORE YOU EVEN WALK THROUGH THE DOOR.

I recently interviewed for a position which was tailor-made for my skills, passion, and temperament.  I can honestly say, it was a mistake not to offer me the position.  It was the type of job and organization that I'd have loved to make my life's career.

Here's how the interview went down:
I met with two managers.  The "manager-manager" (M-M) had a surprise meeting come up, so when I arrived, we were cut very short.  During our short meeting, the M-M was watching the clock the whole time.  In addition, the M-M was not prepared for our meeting.  Not only did the M-M not have a copy of my resume (I did, no biggie), but the M-M had never looked over my resume and knew nothing about me.

The other interviewer was fantastic and I feel, had a good sense of my close fit for the needs of the office and position.

Unfortunately, they had already decided on someone else before I had even walked through the door.

Managers think they are doing a job-hunter a favor allowing them to prepare for 20 hours to meet with the company, spend the time, money, and emotional focus to attend the interview - EVEN IF they have no intention of hiring you.

I DISAGREE.

Just cancel the interview.  Don't assume I have time to waste and I'll not waste your time.

When I do interview, it'd be nice for the person/s to be present (not just physically).  This is SO rare (maybe 10%).

I've interviewed and hired people myself and I am proud to honestly say I've always extended the courtesy and respect of the time of the person interviewing.

Managers: either don't invite me for an interview, cancel if you decide on someone else before you meet me, or grant me the respect of time that YOU ASKED for.

And that's why you go on the interview...

...because the person you would be working for is a controlling maniac evident in the first 4 minutes of the interview.

...because it turns out it'll take you four hours to get there.

...because by "flex-time" they mean between 8:45 & 9:00 am to 5:00 or 5:15 pm.

...because the location is so depressing, you may actually visit that strip bar next door.

...because they ask you trick questions that are not specific and the answer is both yes AND no.

...because they clearly have nothing else in their lives and want to hire someone who will also devote their entire life to the job (for under 35 a year).

...because when you get there it is clear that the entire system is convoluted and laughably inefficient and that's not even your strong suit.

...because the person interviewing you has fallen asleep.

...because the person interviewing you looks like they just rolled out of bed (and it's not that kind of job).

...because I have YET to go on a job interview where I walk away thinking, "THIS - THIS is the place I want to work!"

Good grief!

The Atlantic recently had an article about companies which hire by testing their potential employees via online games.  It sounds intimidating, but it takes all the personal biases out of the equation.  How often have people assumed any of the following about me?
- I'm too young (I look younger than I am).

- I'll have kids in the next few years and they'll have to pay for it (whether true or not [not]).

- I don't look like someone who could be in charge (read: I'm a chick).

- I'm not hireable because I left my last job (after 8.5 years).

- I'm a bitch (I'm skinny and pretty, therefore, catty and cold).

It's really hard to interview for both parties.  You only get an hour of face-time (give or take) and everyone is on their best behavior.  I actually like the idea behind the article (which is good, you should read it).  It both gives the employer an unbiased evaluation but also the employee an unbiased evaluation as to whether the position might be a good fit.

But I'll tell you (since this IS my blog and all) some things I've learned from all this interviewing and job hunting:

- Practice makes perfect.  You get better at interviewing the more you do it.

- Everyone asks the same questions (mostly).

- The best attitude you can take is one of "meant to be".  Relax.  If it doesn't go well or you are not offered the job (or it is a terrible disappointment), then it's just not meant to be.  Perhaps a new opportunity is around the corner.

- Rework your resume and cover letter.  I've gotten excellent response.  If you haven't - you are either not applying to the correct positions or you need a new tactic.  Do some research & try a few things out.

-  Stop applying to everything out there.  Focus your efforts.  Spend an hour or four writing your cover letter & updating your resume for each position you apply to and only apply to those positions which are amazing.

I mean, I'm no expert, but that's how it's shaken out for me thus far.

Good luck to those looking - may you find your perfect fit.  Onward!

Hallucinating Foucault (a novel) by Patricia Duncker

In the first pages of the book, I realized the joy of this piece is language.

In places, the prose is devastatingly beautiful - begging to be read aloud - exhaled at a whisper in the middle of the night - passing the warmth of your lips only to be inhaled sharply by your tendermost heart.

Witty in places...

"He was clearly fearless in the face of cholesterol."

or

"I kissed her very carefully, just in case she decided to bite me."

lyrical in others...

"...caught at last in the rising flood of warm air, carrying the sand from the south.  The Alps are folded above the flickering light."

and with a transportive tangible quality...

"Her other room was a startling, decadent mass of reds; a scarlet bedspread threaded with gold, an old Turkish carpet which was her father's gift, a turbulent web of ochre, brown and gold.  The lampshades, adorned with hanging tassels of red lace, has escaped from a Regency brothel.  She had a huge, empty birdcage, shaped like a bell jar.  On her desk was a mass of paper, overrun with her precise and tiny handwriting."

I'm only about a quarter through, starting last night, but with a pacing to digest between readings, but I'm looking forward to the rest.  Duncker's writing is calling to me.

Thanksgiving Gratitude

I think about my really bad days and it makes me thankful. I mean, I hate my really bad days. They are really bad days. And sure, I've had those worst of days (finding out someone close has passed, dealing with a personal loss of one kind or another, failure in something I really wanted), but mostly those are few and far between.  

Let's face it, my really bad days don't include a drug addiction, deciding on whether to buy food OR heat, or watching someone close to me lose a slow battle to cancer.  AND, my bad days and my worst days are filled with people around me who support me.

I'm grateful for many things. High on that list? My education. It may not be anything super fancy (just a bachelors), but without it, I'd have so many less options. I was also very lucky to have by and large excellent high school teachers and classes. Truly. I had the foundation to take full advantage of my college courses.

I'm thankful for educated parents.  There are some things that just give you a leg up in life.  I have incredibly smart, well-spoken, cultured parents.  I was exposed to culture, language, writing, and art at a young age.  It has served me well.

I am thankful for a partner who pushes me to grow while respecting the person I am now. It is a great feeling to know you are part of a team facing this life. Is it always easy? Good lord, no. But is it worth it? Do we laugh? Do we share? Do we plan? Do we hope? Is he my best friend? Yes. What a lucky gal I am.

I can't wait to gather in my parents' house - the edifice that is as much a member of our family as the living, breathing members - and share a meal.  I am thankful that I'm always excited to see my family - every one of them.  I am so grateful for them.  You can't pick your blood, but man, did I hit the jackpot with mine.

Sometimes, it's hard not to feel down about the state of the world. There's a lot of progress we need to make. But, the troubles in the world also serve to put things in perspective.  This week of Thanksgiving I feel luckier and more thankful than ever I have felt.

Dust Were-Rabbit Mountain

It's no secret that I'm better at working on the house then housework.  But, honestly, I think our house has a penchant for dust that few others can match.

DUST BUNNIES are not so bad. They sit in a corner unobtrusively and are generally benign.  You can *almost* convince yourself that it adds charm...

 But DUST BUNNIES grow up to be DUST RABBITS.  They are not as cute, although, not too embarrassing as they mostly keep to themselves.  They are shy creatures.

 But, in our house, I often wonder, "Does that dust look angry to you??"  DUST RABBITS grow into WERE-RABBITS.  It's true, I tell you, true.

But, the worst is when you do not tend to your WERE-RABBITS and they VOLTRON TOGETHER (yes, voltron IS a verb) and form

WERE-RABBIT MOUNTAINS.

I must DESTROY all WERE-RABBIT MOUNTAINS before they attack my guests.

In our house this process happens in about

TWO DAYS since we have a cat.

But I guess she's worth it.

The Job I'm most Excited & Hopeful About

Interview-mania here at GIANT-Land (srry, I'm being a total dork. Translation: I've been interviewing a lot)!     I'm deep in the belly of the job-hunt beast and its stomach is a'rumblin'.  I'm not really sure what that last sentence meant, but it sounded good, right?

Here's the skinny:  I'd like to find a position which has the following (not necessarily in this order of importance though):

1. Company has philosophy / product / social service I can get behind (this is a MUST actually)

2. Very little overtime (looking for a work-life balance, not a WORK-life balance)

3. Excellent benefits

4. Nice people to work with

5. Great boss who I can learn a ton from

6. Opportunity to learn & opportunity for growth

7. Ability to actually take a vacation

8. Possibility of a long-term commitment (if I could find the place I'll work at for the next 10 or 10+ years - GREAT)

9. Reasonable commute

I've interviewed with a bunch of colleges/universities in the area and some small companies.  Positions that run the gamut from Project Managers to Recruiters to Admissions Communications / Design.  Some of these positions would have clout, underlings, and a plump paycheck.

BUT THE JOB I AM MOST EXCITED & HOPEFUL ABOUT IS A MERE OFFICE ASSISTANT POSITION.

Here's why...

The opening is at a company that is fast expanding in a cutting-edge field.  They bring young, hip, talent to Philly and provide jobs to our area when few are hiring quality positions (and fewer at the rate they are).

BUT, more than that, this is an organization that VALUES their employees.  It is clear in how their employees speak about the organization, clear in how the benefits are offered, and clear in the overall culture of the company.  THIS is a PLACE I really WANT to work.

It is inspiring to even learn that companies like this exist.  Sure, we've all read about the Nike or Google or whatever company that encourages their employees to work when they need to (even if it's 2 am), take the time they need to (as long as you are getting your work done), is super happy to have you - YOU, not someone else, but YOU, and overall treats you like a human being.  BUT, do these places really exist (I mean really out there, like you-or-I-could-work-there exist?)? YES.  Yes, they do!

That's why I'd be happy to start out watering plants, answering the phone, ordering napkins, and taking guff for getting the wrong pizza toppings.  Office Assistant?  Sign me up.

There are a bunch of steps to go and I may not ever be offered the job, but I'm once again hopeful that a great place to work is out there waiting for me. 

Interviewing Shenanigans

There are plenty of annoying things about interviews: the waste of your day (mentally if not physically), transportation, research on the company, the prevailing attitude that the interviewers are doing me a huge favor, or when it is clear they've already decided to hire someone else before I even introduce myself, BUT there are a few particular pet peeves that really pin my interview bun:

1. DEAD FISH HANDSHAKE - seriously dude, how did you ever get hired?!

 2. An interviewer FALLING ASLEEP during the interview.  Their eyes are droopy and they slowly fall asleep only to spring back awake and begin the process all over again.

Okay, why did you invite me here?  You realize this is an entire waste of my day now?  I'd happily wait another 5 or 10 minutes while you step outside or grab a cup of coffee.  Have a little respect for the people you are interviewing.  I've already been through a phone interview.  I am worth your time and attention.

3. Fifteen rounds of interviews, one of which is an assignment asking you to spell out exactly how you would do the job they are hiring for.  This way, they can hire whoever they like, but have the talent and input from all five top candidates.  It's like a free consultation.  

I've already been through a number of rounds.  Can I do the job?  Then just hire me.  That's what a 90 day trial period is for.  I'm not applying to run an ER.  It's an OFFICE ADMIN JOB.

A few other things would be nice, but I've not come to expect them.  I always send a thank you note.  It would be nice if I at least was to receive a form email from HR letting me know the position was filled...

ONWARD!

Cat Pants

I'm pretty sure my cat gets up in the morning & goes to her Haunches Closet to decide what her day is going to be like.  If it's raining like today, she always puts on her Pyscho-Pants (which she also changes into around 10:00 every night).  She often dons her Meow-Pants or her Sleep-Pants.  Occasionally she chooses her Nice-Pants. And, I'm pretty sure she always layers her Cute-Pants underneath whatever else she's wearing that day.

Part II: Sometimes my inner commentary sounds like tweets from The Onion.

- Breaking: Umpa Lumpa admits diet consists solely of orange cauliflower.

- Walmart launches new Sexy Halloween Costume Line for babies and toddlers.

- Cat writes best seller by walking/sitting on keyboard.

- Weirdest girl in school wonders why everyone else is so weird.

- New hairdryer pulls more hair through blower to improve and extend burnt hair smell.

- Fit Americans forced to eat fast food to cure un-American-ness.

- Meditation - Butt-sleep connection discovered.

- Girl deleting friends on Facebook disappointed to discover they still exist in real life.

Sometimes my inner commentary sounds like tweets from The Onion.

- Man who cannot bend pinky continually ridiculed while drinking tea.

- Only man with Pinterest "Wedding Inspiration" Board confirms its creation was a dare.

- Dog feeling pain of Government Shutdown; must urinate on privately owned trees.

- Newly designed controllers more comfortable for cats to sleep on.

- Couple burns down house waiting for the other partner to get up as oven timer beeps.

- 3-legged dog laments inability to wear favorite Petsmart Halloween costumes.

- Cat thumping tail on owner is actually communicating via Morris Code.

   - Owner disappointed cat's Morris Code thumping is in German, which he doesn't speak.

Emotions of Job Hunting & Interviews for the [f]unemployed (illustrated with terrible quicky drawings)

     I finally feel like a whole, sane, healthy person.  It has only taken about 8 months to recover from the last few months of my last job.
     This is excellent news since I'm now fully dedicated to the job hunt.  My state of mind in the application process and interviews is open, excited, and relaxed.  I have much to give to a company and it turns out that there are some really exciting opportunities out there.  Who'da thought you could be excited about going back to work?  Well, I may actually be if the right opportunity presents itself.
     This was not the case in February or even over the summer.  I remember interviewing for positions in January and February and hoping not to get an offer so I would not feel obligated to take it.  I'm too competitive not to give it my best shot, however, and there were offers that presented themselves (which I turned down).  I kept thinking, I should take this job. But in the end, I just needed a mental break.  I'm glad I did give myself a mental break.  Whoever my new employer will be, will get not only a capable hard-worker, but also a positive, happy employee.
     The job hunt is emotionally challenging at times.  In earlier months, part of the challenge was that emotionally, I just wasn't ready to work.  Now, that is not the case.  It is still challenging.  Job hunting is like ceramics - you can't love it until it comes out of the kiln (especially if you are me, since my clay skills are dicey at best).

        So, here's kinda how it feels:
1. Finding an interesting job posting that you are qualified for: surprise & happiness :) makes my breakfast taste a little better (when I'm not so surprised I spill it all over myself).  Gives you the stamina to keep looking for additional jobs.

 2. Updating Cover Letter & Resume for said posting: feeling accomplished.

3. Filling out institutional forms: frustrated and annoyed that it takes at least an hour.  Must. Get. Up. For. A. Min. &. Get. Snack. (once completed). Sometimes it can take me 3 hours to apply to a single job posting.

 4a. Getting a call about a position you applied to 2 months earlier: Confusion...then excitement!

 4b. Getting a call about a position you just applied to: They LIKE me!  They really like me!

 5. Phone interviewing: stressful, frustrating.  I find it difficult to represent my full self over the phone.  While I feel none of my phone interviews have gone poorly, I still much prefer interviewing in person.

 6. Scheduling an in-person Interviews: Yay!  Trying.Not.To.Get.Too.Excited...

 7. Driving to an interview: Oooooh...I no longer want this job (after seeing the commute).  BUMMED because the job is interesting in & of itself & I'd be a rock star for them.

 8. Public Transport/walking/biking to an interview: feels good.  Opportunities still exist where I won't have to purchase a car!

9. Waiting...on one hand I'm anxious to know, but on the other hand, I can stand a little more time off since I've not yet found the ideal position. 

Photobooth Pictures

Well, shoot!  Here are the photobooth pictures from our wedding.  From Love Shack Photo.  They are amazing and you should hire them to do your wedding!

Now That It's Over - The "Do Again" & "Ditch" Post

     A link to a gallery with our Wedding Photobooth pictures came back yesterday.  It was really exciting to look through them all.  And it got me thinking, If I had to do it again, what would I do again & what would I ditch?
     DO AGAIN:
          1. Photobooth - we considered DIY'ing the photobooth, but DANG are we SO glad we hired Jackie from Love Shack Photo instead!  Worth every penny! Here's why:
                - Entertainment - it provided our guests with entertainment the whole reception.  It was SO so SO fun to watch (and to participate) and Jackie was such an amazing "host" for the booth.
                - The Photos! - they came out looking like a magazine photoshoot (the quality is fantastic) and we get to have proof of everyone being silly even if we missed it at the party.
               - The Photos! - AND our guests get to have these super high quality amazing photos of themselves.  They look gorgeous and they are fun, sweet, glamour, ridiculous...it is as if we've just given our guests a great gift!
          2. Power Plant (VENUE) - our venue was twice the original budget we had hoped for set aside for the venue, but it was worth it.  The space was unique, perfectly sized, convenient, had a great event planner (thanks Chris!), and was a blank canvas.  Bonus: it is used for professional photoshoots, so our photobooth pictures came out extra rad.
          3. Carolyn Weeks (Dessert) - if you need a wedding baker...she is amazing (contact me, seriously, I'll get you her info).  I had 6 different dessert options (here's a pic of some leftovers) for my guests, all beautiful, all delicious, and all tailored to the vibe of the event.
          4. Pig Roast - here's why: we got it from the Italian Market (through our caterer Chef's Table) and it was fun, laid back, Philly, delicious, local, and the presentation was excellent.  We had vegetarian options, too of course, but it was great to have a center piece main.
          5. Chef's Table (Caterer) - we chose the right one, partly luck, partly research.  They had also worked in the space before and had done a pig roast with Cannuli's in the Italian Market.
          6. Vibe - no wedding party, 3 months from start to finish, greeting our guests as they arrived, homebrew (huge hit) , postcard invites & programs, DIY decor, toys/games on the tables - resulting in ridiculous photos!, no DJ (Spotify).  It felt like us and was really fun.
          7. Open & Full Bar - I believe this to be self-explanatory.
   
& I'd CHANGE:
          1. DRESS / myself : 
                - I would not make my own dress and certainly not in six weeks and most certainly not while trying to use parts of four other vintage dresses.  That was a mistake.  I ended up not finishing in time to think about if I liked it, to accessorize the way I would otherwise have, and it was REALLY really REALLY stressful since I finished it the week of the wedding & was sewn into my dress that day.  I wasn't really sure how it was going to work out. 
               -I would have given myself more than 5 minutes to do my make-up.  Ha.  I really don't like myself in pictures anyways (I know this about myself) - I have a very tiny heart-shaped face and I hope I look better in person than I do in pictures (please gawd!).  I was glad I looked like me that night for my guests, but would have preferred to look over-made-up that night & like the pictures now better.
              - I should have also done real flowers in my hair and lots of them.  I guess I thought it would have required me to get my hair professionally done and been a lot of money.  I also shoulda sprung for extensions because that would have been really fun & I didn't get the good hair genes.
          2. Communication - we were not really 100% sure what we were doing about a ceremony until the week before the wedding and as a result, some of our guests didn't realize the ceremony was a private one and the event was dinner/party/celebration.  People were disappointed and we should have done better about managing expectations.
          5. Timing - it coulda been a little better timed (when we got married), but I was really impatient and completely underestimated the amount of work it was going to be.  Luckily, we mostly pulled it off somehow.
          6. Guests! - I felt as if I didn't get a chance to visit with anyone!  The night went so quickly! But perhaps that's how it always is?

In the end, we made good guest-centered choices for dinner/reception & spent our money/resources fairly well (we had great help!!), but somewhere along the line I discredited or never prioritized some things that I really wanted. Regardless, I still had a great time and in the end, the wedding, dinner, reception all felt like our personalities too.

Labor Day for the [f]Unemployed

     Looking through jobs posting (being [f]unemployed as a friend says) is a frustrating experience. Anyone who's followed/read/etc. any type of employment news knows that there are very few full time positions and fewer which pay a realistic wage.  Further, most of the jobs postings are in retail or hospitality.  Retail just doesn't pay enough to be worth it and I have no (or disastrous, depending on how you look at it) experience in hospitality.
     Here's the thing:  I am smart, a fast learner, educated, super hard working, and a huge score for whoever I work for.  I've always been underpaid because I have always been so good at my job and so efficient that I clean up after other people, take on tons of side projects, and add to the overall discussions on vision and direction.  Sorry, it's just the truth.  I can do whatever is thrown at me, take good notes, and am not afraid to ask questions.
     HOWEVER, my best skills are somewhat intangible (that's the last paragraph, folks), and any interesting posting wants you to have direct experience in that specific field.  AND, since I've been on a self-imposed break from full-time employment (mostly any employment), it makes it doubly difficult.
     I'm in a great position where I only need apply for positions I feel would benefit the company and myself.  I am seeking an organization whose mission statement dovetails with my own.  So, it's not as if I'm applying to 20 jobs a week and not getting calls, but it is frustrating to see that there are not 20 jobs out there that I'm interested in.  I'm not sure if I'm setting the bar too high - that there are just not that many companies that I feel aligned with, or if they are really not out there as jobs (just as volunteer positions?).
     I read an article (Times?) some months ago that talked about how people who were unemployed were not hireable because their skills had gone soft.  I'm not buying it.  Since I've been unemployed, I've been writing, designing/sewing/art-ing, managing projects including outside personnel, taking the odd shift in retail, volunteering, recovering (truth), reading, blogging, swimming, and other such tasks.  If anything, my writing skills have improved, I am more focused and together, better able to handle stressful situations, and was still dealing with negotiating and wrangling multiple strong opinions against one central vision.
     Sometimes I'll look at the stats for my blog and think, wow! 4 people read my blog today. Okay, I'mma gonna get some sponsors and advertising soon and I'll be a writer, or some such other ridiculous idea such as: I can make wedding dresses (definitely not because I'd likely kill myself or the bride) or I'm gonna write a novel (I know, get in line).  Sometimes I look at my family and think, shoulda been a teacher, I guess.  There are a lot of those in my family.
    So on this Labor Day, I salute those who work to better the system, those who have found meaningful and positive-impact work, but I also salute those who work some shitty job for less pay then they deserve or at a boring, mind-numbing job for a huge corporation who keeps outsourcing as much as it can (and those people are probably working today).  I salute those who are looking for a job or a second job and will take anything to help pay their ever-mounting bills.
     I'm going to continue to hope for a position which will utilize all my strengths.  One day, my new organization and I will ride off together into the Making The World A Better Place Sunset.

Another Lupus Post

     SLE (Lupus for non-Lupers) gives you more than unpredictability and sickness.  It creates a never-ending game of life-force Cat and Mouse; sometimes this game is followed by a round of Who Done It?.

     When I feel less than 100%, I chalk it up to Lupus 99% of the time.  This 99% of Lupus is the game of Cat and Mouse.  I'll chase the headache mouse everyday at 2 pm for a month before it runs into its hole to sleep through the next month.  I chase the lethargy mouse every day.  In and out it runs from the baseboards, snatching at breakfast, snatching at lunch.  I chase twenty other Lupus mice around my body at any given moment.

     I have a mild case.  While Lupus makes me a somewhat unreliable dinner guest, it rarely interferes with the larger picture in my life.  I can hold a demanding full time job, have plenty of friends, a husband, and a social life of whatever excitement I desire.

     It's the pesky 1% that I'm not sure if I can chalk up to Lupus that creates this Who Done It? scenario.  A health issue that comes along that scares me enough to consider seeing a doctor.

     Doctors are mostly useless if you have Lupus.  Lupus is an autoimmune disease (read: my body attacks itself) treated with a mild anti-malarial if you have a mild case.  The drug has not seemed to effect me much one way or another (on or off of it).  Serious cases have the option of much stronger drugs, but come with more serious side effects.  My doctors over the years have helped to educate me on what is known about Lupus, but otherwise have done little other than monitor various levels in my blood and suggest lifestyle adaptations which I already employ.

     BUT, there is still this 1%.  The 1% symptoms that have me asking, "Is this Lupus? or is this something else?  Who done it?".  The times when I am afraid that I may actually require medical treatment.  Then the length and severity of my symptoms battle with my will to hold out seeing or consulting a doctor.  I know you are thinking that doctors are helpful!  I should see a doctor.  Ha!  I only see a doctor for a health issue I truly cannot read well enough myself.

     My seeing a doctor has yet to result in answers or relief.  No, my seeing a doctor results in a string of additional questions and additional health issues discovered through testing which did not yield answers to the original issue.  Recap: no answers/relief, more issues/problems.  I'm also out a bunch of money from unnecessary testing; not to mention the hours spent in doctor's offices, getting blood drawn, waiting rooms, and exposure to radiation and such.  Plus, there is nothing but stress and frustration wading through our healthcare system.  Oh, and Lupus is triggered by stress.  See how that works?  It's like a neat little loop.

     I know my body pretty well.  I've learned to tune in, listen to what it it tells me.  I have three levels of health issues: 1. Lupus (covers any health issue I can stand), 2. Emergency (this is pretty clear), and 3. Um...? which usually involves waiting it out a bit to see how I feel in a day or two.  Still feel on the verge of heading to the ER after 2 days?, then I'll see a doctor.

     Luckily, I'm pretty healthy.  I haven't had any 2 or 3-Doctor level health issues for years.  But every now and then I get a 3-Um...? issue that I have to wait out a day or two.  In these times, I am reminded of how lucky I am to have a mild case.  I'm reminded of how broken our healthcare system is.  I'm reminded that we don't get to choose our trials, just how we deal with them.  And I think that at least I have a trial that I can put a name to, find a community, research, and deal with.  I have a trial that reminds me to appreciate every good day, every great meal, every wonderful person in my life.  And of those, I have many.

Wedding - Budget, Planning, Costs, Tips

   When we set out to plan a budget for our wedding, it would have been really helpful if we had had a realistic look at someone else's budget and cost.  So, friends, here you go.  I'll lay out what we laid out and what we got for the cost and what worked & not.  Hopefully, it'll help some one out there trying to put together their own budget.

Details:
   --Guests: attended 102 (invited 140), includes us
   --Venue: Power Plant Studio, Old City, Philadelphia
   --Date: Saturday night, August 17 (7 - midnight)

   --Caterer: Chef's Table
   --Menu: Pig Roast from Cannulis in the Italian Market & Stuffed Peppers (Vegan/Veg), 2 sides, appetizers, coffee & tea.  All soda, juice, & mixers included.  Buffet-style.
            Dessert: made by a guest, we paid for cost of supplies only which was completely amazing.
   --Open Full Bar - 14 cases of beer, 3 cases of wine, 14 bottles of booze (could have had a few more bottles of vodka & whiskey)

   --Photographer: no. HOWEVER, we did have a "photobooth" by Love Shack Photo & Jackie (the photographer) was amazing.
   --DJ: no.  We just used the wifi & created Spotify lists.

Not included in the budget - dress / suit / outfits for bride and groom, honeymoon, rings, lunches for get togethers to DIY (it adds up), favors (did not do this other than the toys on the tables), thank you notes/stamps (to be sent still, but I expect it will cost about $100).

   We spent our money on the venue, the food, and the photobooth.  Our wedding was more guest-centered, and we really just wanted to throw a great party.

Total out: $14,000 (plus $1000 venue deposit which we've already gotten back).

-Rough breakdown: Food + Alcohol: $7,000  (includes staffing, real plates, glass, & silverware)
-Venue: $4300
-Photobooth: $1300
-Invitations & Programs: $200 (we did postcards for both)
-Marriage Licence: $90 (Quaker licence, so no need for an officiant)
-Extas: $1000 - centerpieces (diy), tablecloths (diy), decoration materials (diy), toys for the tables, tea lights, cake costs, cake stands/table, bathroom baskets (2 @ $50 each) bobby pins, nail polish, little odds & ends.

I'll post about what worked/didn't & thoughts on the process in another post, but wanted to put this out there to help out folks who are planning a budget.

We were fairly bare bones (I didn't get new shoes, my sister did my hair, I did my nails & make-up, I made my dress, & we didn't have a DJ), but in the end, we were glad we spent the money were we did (on our guests) and were overall, happy with the evening.  I just wish it hadn't gone by so quickly!

Here's an image of the program postcard (front):

Motivation, Lupus, and Life

     25 June was the first day of my self-imposed swim challenge.  I had finally decided to take the plunge and get a gym membership (sorry, I just couldn't resist).  In the city, it is difficult to find a pool with more than one lane or two.  I am lucky.  The gym in my 'hood has 4 lanes.  I rarely have to wait as I am unemployed and swim at off-hours.

     I started swimming leading up to my wedding.  I know you are thinking, "To be more fit in her dress".  But actually no.  I made my dress and didn't finish it until the week of the wedding (full disclosure: my mom sewed me into it that day).  So, I could have altered it to fit my shape as needed.  I swim to increase my energy and stamina.

     It's been hard staying motivated even for the 2 months I've been swimming.  Don't get me wrong, I like to swim.  I love to play in the water.  I've been able to swim well since I was a wee bitty girl.  But, I'd rather be in the studio.  I'd rather be reading.  I'd rather be writing.

     Having SLE (Lupus) means that I am tired often.  Swimming helps me to do more of these reading, writing, and art-ing "rathers".  Regular exercise is imperative to an energy level I need to function in a normal capacity on a daily basis.  This is truly my motivation.  The bonuses of being healthier mentally & emotionally are just not enough to motivate me on their own.

     Every morning, I got myself psyched up with inner-commentary: "Go swimming!  You will be able to dance longer at your wedding without being tired if you do!  You'll have more fun!  You only get to do this once, so you'd better enjoy it!" Now that the wedding is over, my inner dialog is something like this: "You are doing great!  You are already stronger!  Don't lose the progress you've made.  You can do it!  Just today.  Just go today.  You enjoy your life better when you swim."  But it's hard.  I struggle every day to overcome my tiredness and desire to do other things to make the time and energy for swimming.

     I try to also set little goals for myself.  The first day I swam, I realized how hard it was!  For those of you who don't swim, I find it to be really hard work.  So, I built up.  I started with Breast Stroke.  I worked up to 30 minutes of laps.  Always giving myself time at the end to play in the water.  I started to do small strength training exercises in the pool or at home.  Then I worked in a lap or two of Free Style.  Then worked up to 2 laps Free, 1 lap Breast Stroke.  Now, I swim for 30 or more minutes of Free Style most days.  It is still hard every day.  I'm still not that strong.  I feel as if I can only swim for 30 minutes of Free Style after 2 months!  Zeesh.

    Maybe the point of this post is just to say that it takes a long time to build up strength.  Stick to it!  You can do it!  Maybe also, to say that if you struggle with motivation to work out - I HEAR YOU.  Maybe that if you have SLE, plan a little exercise into your daily routine if you can (or 4 or 5 times a week), because it really and truly helps.

     There is no shame in starting small.  The smaller you have to start, the prouder you should be.  If you are not super fit, not comfortable in a gym, and have to start small - GOOD FOR YOU to make that happen.  Remember it is you who have the most to gain.  Remember that whatever your level of fitness, every moment you put in benefits YOU.

    Find something that's fun - classes, group running, organizations, pod-casts...and/or find a cause - a benefit race or walk to train for, you and a friend/partner getting healthy together, or an event you will be attending in a few months.

    Do what works for you.  If everyone tells you to vary it up, but you love that one thing, who cares?  In the end, they are not you.  Listen to your body.  It will tell you what is working and when you need a break or to rest.  Eat protein.

     Splurge a little on yourself.  Get clothing you like to work out in.  Indulge.  It'll be a little reward and also might help get you motivated to work out ("You just spent $x on that - use it!").

     And remember to go easy on yourself.  Some days after 15 minutes in the pool, I'm done.  No guilt.  That's just how it is.  Give yourself a pass sometimes.  Give yourself pep talks.  Reward yourself.  

     Pick out all the things you like about yourself.  Remind yourself of your best qualities often.

Vintage Wedding Dresses

I have been gifted my Grandmom's, my GREAT Grandmom's, and my Mom's Wedding Dresses.  They are beautiful!  Below are some photos.

My Grandmom Lucy is in the striped dress - top left.

My GREAT Grandmom Angelina is seated.

Lucy (my Grandmom) was married sometime in the 30s.  She is the center bride below.  On the left is a picture of the dress today  I don't have the sheath underdress, but the sheer overdress is beautiful.  There are large covered buttons all down the front edged in lace.  It also has the train you see in the picture.

I don't have a picture of my Great Grandmom Angelina in her wedding dress, but I've put it on.  Clearly I am too tall and large. My Grandmom was under 5', guessing Angelina was even smaller and I'm 5'8").

It's just a beautiful dress though.  I believe she was married in the early teens. 

Below are pictures of my mom on her wedding day.  The dress is two layers; the outer layer is encrusted with lace.  My parents were married in 1973.

20 Things to do Without - Budget Wedding Planning

I'd like our guests leaving our wedding to turn and say to each other something along the lines of, "Dang that was FUN! and her dress was [or she looked] amazing!" (amazing in a good way).

With that goal and the type of people we are in mind, we've set out to create a non-traditional take on this traditional event without going crazy or breaking the bank.  

The invite list is 140, which if  80% attend, is 112 guests.  So, it's a challenge with any sort of reasonable budget for a Philly Center City wedding.

Admittedly, the budget part was made a tad bit trickier when I fell in love with (and my loving partner agreed to) a venue that was out of our original budget.  BUT, it IS amazing!  I'm super stoked.

Place, food, & alcohol are the main ticket items.  Those we are not compromising on.  We want the food&drink to be 1) delicious and 2) plentiful.

There are, however, many things i am willing to give up or compromise on that are usually part of a traditional wedding.  Reasons are not only monetary, but the overall goal and tone of the reception/wedding/party dictates a more laid back approach.

We've been together for 10 years and own a house, so we already consider ourselves committed to each other for life.  This wedding reception is really all about celebrating with everyone.

We've also decided to pull it all off in three months from The day we decided to get hitched legally it to the day of the reception (which in wedding time, is akin to deciding to host Thanksgiving the Monday beforehand).

So, here's my "can be cut" list:

1. Officiant - Pennsylvania actually allows for you to marry yourselves (thank you Quakers!) which is more in keeping with our personal beliefs anyways.

2. Traditional Ceremony - For us, this part is really just about the two of us.  We may do a small ceremony another night before the big reception just for immediate family.  This will maximize social & party time at the reception/party.  Plus, you don't have the costs of a church, unity candle, choir/soloist, tipping the servers, etc., etc.

3. Being walked down the aisle and/or bride entrance - I guess this seems redundant from number 2, but I thought I'd explain.  I don't belong to my parents (anymore) for them to give me away.  I also want for us to greet our guests as they arrive.  A friend did this at her wedding and I loved it.  It will set the tone for the wedding and we'll also get to say hello to everyone right away.

4. "First Look" - I want to look like myself, just on a great hair & face day & with a great dress on.  I also don't want to spend 3+ hours of the day apart from my groom.  It is okay if we get ready in our house together.  I want to spend the day together :)

5. Groom's Attire - I want him to be comfy and feel good.  I'm not about to pick out his clothing for him.  Plus, he has style.  He is also allowed to look like himself (!), just a little dressed up.  We aren't the kind of people that wear tuxes or suits all the time.

7. Invitations - originally, I wanted to send an e-vite only.  It is environmentally friendly, cost effective, and fast.  A friend did this for his reception and it was fine.  However, we have quite a long list and there are some folks who don't use email (really!).  So, we've compromised.  We opted for postcards which ask for folks to RSVP via phone or email.  Postcards = less postage + less waste.  Plus, I designed/drew them myself, so I didn't pay for design fees.

8. Engagement Pictures - well, we weren't really engaged.  We're just gonna get married.  I guess that means we're engaged, but it just feels like us as it always has.  We have pictures from our 10 years together that we really like (such as vacation photos from around the world) and they'll be lots of pictures from the wedding.

9. Wedding Photographer - staged photos are not really us.  Ridiculous photos - yes, but spending an hour before the reception taking pictures outside, not so much.  Wedding photos always look like wedding photos.  They are great, but not necessary for us.  We will crowd source our photos with a # for instagram/twitter & have created a shared Flickr so everyone can upload/download each other's photos.

10. Rehearsal Dinner - with the chance that so many folks'll be in from out of town, why would I want to not see them? We'll play the day as it goes.  We will [and by "we" I mean the ladies will] decorate during the day and see who's around for dinner all together.  It's also an added expense that is not necessary.  It'll be just as fun to be at home with everyone gathered around.

11. Real Flowers - this may change as I suddenly have a hook-up here, but they are also not environmentally friendly and they just die.  I am somewhat conflicted about flowers.  If we are not having a traditional ceremony, a bouquet seems silly.  Maybe I will compromise on the table centerpieces.  We'll see.

12. DJ - SPOTIFY, baby.  One list for dinner, one for dancing. Boom.  Plus, we can curate the list, so it's amazing. Yep.

13. Bridal Party - It's not necessary since there will not be a traditional ceremony or shower.  Plus, I've just saved all the ladies I'm closest to $1000 each. AND they get to wear whatever they want.

14. Bridal Shower - We have so many household and decorative items, we could have a reverse-shower! Ha! That's not a bad idea actually...

15. Toasts - We know our families love us.  We know we're fabulous.  Let's all just hug it out and celebrate.  No need for someone super close to us to be nervous all night until their speech.

16. Engagement Ring - I'm a practical gal.  I'd rather spend it on the house or a vacation.  Also, I'm supposed to inherit some diamonds (don't worry, I'm not waiting on someone to die).  If I do, I may have a ring set.  We will probably get wedding bands, although maybe not right away.

17. Honeymoon Right Away - This may have to wait a bit or we may do a mini-moon.

18. New Shoes - I already have so many fantastic pairs.  I already know what I'm wearing.  PLUS, I can dance all night without blisters.  AND, they're blue :)

19. Hair/Make-up - again, I want to look like me.  Plus, I know what I like.  Although, I may have to pick up a new shade of lipstick...

20. New Jewelry - I was gifted with some heirloom pearls - a bracelet & earrings.  I will def wear the bracelet, earrings and other jewelry will depend on how the dress turns out.  I have my mom's prom necklace that I may wear as well.  It is Audrey-esq-classy and sparkly.

_____________
That cuts out some things.  I am also somewhat crafty (she's crafty!), so I'm planning on some DIY:

Tablecloths (almost done, actually)
Decorations (started)
Centerpieces
Favors
Dress (have the fabric, haven't started yet, still have 2 months...)
Photobooth! (although, we may purchase a new camera for this, but then we'd have a new camera)
Cake Topper (started)

I'm looking forward to a great party!  I'll let you know how it turns out.