My sister graduates with her bachelor's this week - 12 years after my own college graduation.
In my family, it is customary to make greeting cards. This has always been our tradition, dating back to scribbles on the outside with mom or dad signing our name on the inside before we could write our own letters.
I started to look for inspiration today to make my sister a graduation card. I looked through my clipping files, magazines, newspapers before it dawned on me, that what I really wanted was to give my sister was some advice that would actually help her.
Listen, I'm all for "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" but a little bit of reality amixed with the graduation glossiness will do everyone some good here.
Ten years after graduation, I realized that I hadn't done all the things I thought I would have done by now. It's true, it'll happen to you too. It's OKAY. Really. I'm not saying you should plan to not get them done, I'm just saying that when you look up and you're suddenly 35, there will be things you haven't done.
What is more important is what you HAVE gained in that time.
I was working at UArts when Neil Gaiman gave his "Make Good Art" speech. It was moving and brought the house down. Everyone was inspired. He's also, like, totally super hip.
BUT, the truth is, it's not about making GOOD art. It's about making ANY art. It's that you KEEP making art. Make BAD art. Make MEDIOCRE art. Just keep making. CHASE GREATNESS.
'Cause really - if you are N.G., you probs always make good art (or, at least mostly), but if you're 99.999% of the population, you make shitty art 99.999% of the time - especially in the beginning and for a long time after that. That's just how it is. The real lesson is: don't get discouraged.
Failure Informs Success.
And there's the take-away - KEEP AT IT - whatever IT is that fuels you. It could be art, music, writing, science, learning, whatever. The point is to not give up the piece of you that makes you wonder - that pushes your imagination.
My most spectacular failures have scorched their lessons into the innermost depths of my soul. I am grateful for them even as I wish they had never happened.
...
And because I've never been short-winded, here're a few other nuggets:
- Relationships are hard. ALL relationships. Partners, friends, co-workers, bosses. Be diligent. Don't take them for granted. Limit those who are poisonous, but keep up the work for those who are worth it. Don't compare other people's relationships to yours. Your relationship will always be its own blessing / challenge as you are neither of the people you are comparing yourself to.
- Be nice to your co-workers. You'll enjoy your life more. I've cracked some tough nuts over the years with kindness and laughter. Keep at the niceness. In the end, they will also help you pick up the pieces when you make mistakes.
I worked with a woman who I never heard utter a mean word about anyone - in almost a decade! Being nice is a choice. I'mma not saying I'm never snarky or that it's easy; I'm just pointing out that it's possible to be nice.
- Work hard, but more importantly - learn to work smart. Prioritize. Read between the lines - what is it that your boss really wants? Learn it or ask so you are clear until you can discern for yourself.
- Your corporate boss will never back you (no matter how close you are or how valuable / smart you are) if they think there's more personal gain (for them) if they back the other guy. Even if you're right.
- Travel. Travel. Travel.
- Read. Articles, books, texts, essays, poetry, you pick. Just do it.
- Be patient. This is the hardest thing. Everything seems to take three times as long as you thought it would. Be patient.
- Drive safely. Seriously, get into your zen state. Road rage is not pretty on anyone and gains you about 30 seconds. Not worth your or someone else's life. Try different strategies until you find one that works. Books on tape works for me. Comedic podcasts work for many others.
- Take that first crappy job. You need job experience. You think you're gonna hate it? You probably will! But, it'll serve you well in the long run. Stick it out at least a year. Do what is asked of you - but be sure if you are putting in the extra time that your boss knows. It's a JOB. If you are working crazy hours, you'd best be compensated.
- Negotiate your raise / your job offer. Practice. Ask for a raise when you get more work. Ask for a promotion if you deserve it. Voice it. It'll never happen unless you do.
- Go to grad school sooner rather than later. It gets harder and harder the longer you wait.
- SAVE. Save those dollars! Start a retirement fund as soon as you are getting a paycheck.
- Before you have lots of other expenses and can live with a bunch of roommates or at home, start paying your loans. Refinance for a low rate and combine your loans into one payment if possible and set it to auto-pay. A good student loan repayment history will do your credit favors. Have extra money because you're living at home? Put it toward the principle.
- Practice THANKFULNESS. Seriously, this one thing has been so helpful for me. Start small if you have to (even sarcastically). Practice every day. Practice every time you remember throughout the day. It gets easier to be thankful the more you practice - and you'll be happier.
Take care of your body. Wear sunscreen. Eat your veggies. Build exercise into your daily routine (bike to work!). It's much harder once you start working a normal 9-5.
Take Risks - this is a hard one to describe. Risks are different for everyone, but I've done things that seems crazy to me (not as crazy for others, I'm sure) and it's changed my life. Quit crappy jobs, gone skydiving, started a novel...
Learn to say no. Man, this is a really hard one for me. It takes practice. If you have trouble saying no, just don't say yes. Learn to give yourself time to figure out how to say no if you are not good at it on the spot.
Stay in touch with your professors!
Stay in touch with great bosses!
Down time - do it. Make it. Without your phone.
PLAY.
And to my sister, I am and will always be your biggest fan. EPG FTW.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Saturday, May 3, 2014
I AM A FEMINIST
I am a feminist. Yep, I believe I should get equal pay for equal work. I believe I'm smart. AND, I don't believe that dudes are intrinsically better at everything. So, I guess that makes me a feminist.
Remember when...
"You can do anything you want to do!"
"You can be anything you want to be!"
Not really true.
I mean, maybe if you are born privileged and a dude, maybe, but otherwise, that's a bunch of guff.
Here's the thing, especially if you are FEMALE:
Let's start with the whole kids discussion.
- When you are between 25 & 40, companies are gonna assume you are going to have kids at some point and so you are less desirable. It's a strike against you when you are looking for jobs. In their mind, you either a) are going to have them soon b) you have them and they will take up too much of your time or c) there is something wrong with you if you don't.
I actually had a business mentor tell me that I should make it a point to bring it up in an interview because it would stand in my way (this was woman to woman talk from a woman who has been successful in the world of business for a long time).
AND...
- At some point you WILL have to choose between children and: career, side-projects, & education. There that saying that you can have everything, but not all at one time - but actually, I don't know if this is really true.
- If you get pregnant when you are in high school, or youngish, you become a mom (duh). I just mean that everything else is exponentially harder AND even in the 20teens, the onus falls to the female to raise the kids. So, maybe you wait to have kids if you want other things too...and during this waiting you find out that:
- You can't really have both. I mean, how can you raise a kid (and be there, foe realz), have a career, and also have a meaningful self-identity through a separate focus? It's nearly impossible unless you 1. Have resources / don't have to work or 2. Your work is your passion / life-mission. Some people have this! And it's great, but most of us do not have the means or resources.
- If you are a chick, the world of business is harder. Just is. It's also harder if you are a minority. Just is. Not male and white? Bummer.
- Can't tell you how many interviews I went on where the interviewer walked out to meet me, took one look at me and their whole face and body language changed. I mean, on paper I looked awesome (um, I AM), and they knew I was a lady, but when they saw that I didn't look like a dude, well, I couldn't be smart or capable.
- I was convinced that I would end up working for a woman (and I did). Listen, I like dudes. I'm friends with them, married one, respect the good ones. But many of the dudes who are in management have old school (read: biased) views. They cannot see past the ponytail.
- Don't believe me? READ THIS.
- OR THIS - scroll down and start at "What really distinguishes CEOs from the rest of us, for instance?" if you don't want to read the whole article b/c it is long.
- Ladies are constantly hassled AND SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT.
- When I was in grade school & high school I was teased because I was too skinny (well, and also because I was confident in my singular strangeness). I believe the words, "She doesn't even have boobs" were used to describe me in 8th grade in front of the entire class (not scarring at all). I was gauky and gangly (um, still am). Just part of growing up, and not a singular incident, but my point is - I can't help feel that girls get that type of teasing growing up and do boys? I'm not a boy, but the teasing for girls seems to be very directed at how much of a woman they are.
- Once I was out of college and entered the workforce, I have had to deal with all kinds of bullsh!t from males I work with. CONSTANTLY. It's just creepy and weird when dudes from a janitors to colleagues constantly comment on how you look inappropriately. Not like, oh, hey, I like that shirt or You look like spring today! But whispered on the DL often when no one else is around or can hear you. Harassment? I guess? It just walks the border or just doesn't feel worth it. And it happens all the time for me and has for years and years. Don't believe me? Examples:
- "I'm gonna miss that @ss" - upon hearing I was leaving the company
- Whispered to me in a low-not-at-all-(sarcasm)-creepy tone, "you are just so beautiful today. beautiful. beautiful."
- "Not everyone is going to appreciate the way you look."
- BUT REMEMBER: as a female, you have to dress as much like a male as possible. Monkey suit it up. Seriously. Society tells women they should look "forever twenty", but in the workplace, a douty, always-looks-in-her-40s woman has the edge. "Don't take her seriously" "Has to look like she can be in a meeting" were two phrases I had heard because I like color and wear lady-clothes. Silly me! Just remember - dark somber colors (think funeral), no fringes, spangles, sequins, ruffles, prettiness, choose boxy and heels. Oh, heels. Yep, you didn't want to wear them? Tough. They should be black or navy pumps. No straps or fancy-smanch. Hope you can walk in them.
Listen, I'm happy where I am. I've made tough decisions and been lucky to land where I am. I'm not in management. I'm not working corporate. I have comp time after I put in my 40. BUT, it has is frustrating to feel like I have had to pound against the glass ceiling and watch capable colleagues who just happen to be women pound on the glass ceiling.
I often wonder what big world decisions would be different if they had been made by women or with women in tandem with men. How our history would have been negotiated if women had not worked behind the scenes, but front and center.
How does male domination shape our society - out companies, messaging, culture acceptances if women are absent from the highest echelons of decision-making?
Remember when...
"You can do anything you want to do!"
"You can be anything you want to be!"
Not really true.
I mean, maybe if you are born privileged and a dude, maybe, but otherwise, that's a bunch of guff.
Here's the thing, especially if you are FEMALE:
Let's start with the whole kids discussion.
- When you are between 25 & 40, companies are gonna assume you are going to have kids at some point and so you are less desirable. It's a strike against you when you are looking for jobs. In their mind, you either a) are going to have them soon b) you have them and they will take up too much of your time or c) there is something wrong with you if you don't.
I actually had a business mentor tell me that I should make it a point to bring it up in an interview because it would stand in my way (this was woman to woman talk from a woman who has been successful in the world of business for a long time).
AND...
- At some point you WILL have to choose between children and: career, side-projects, & education. There that saying that you can have everything, but not all at one time - but actually, I don't know if this is really true.
- If you get pregnant when you are in high school, or youngish, you become a mom (duh). I just mean that everything else is exponentially harder AND even in the 20teens, the onus falls to the female to raise the kids. So, maybe you wait to have kids if you want other things too...and during this waiting you find out that:
- You can't really have both. I mean, how can you raise a kid (and be there, foe realz), have a career, and also have a meaningful self-identity through a separate focus? It's nearly impossible unless you 1. Have resources / don't have to work or 2. Your work is your passion / life-mission. Some people have this! And it's great, but most of us do not have the means or resources.
- If you are a chick, the world of business is harder. Just is. It's also harder if you are a minority. Just is. Not male and white? Bummer.
- Can't tell you how many interviews I went on where the interviewer walked out to meet me, took one look at me and their whole face and body language changed. I mean, on paper I looked awesome (um, I AM), and they knew I was a lady, but when they saw that I didn't look like a dude, well, I couldn't be smart or capable.
- I was convinced that I would end up working for a woman (and I did). Listen, I like dudes. I'm friends with them, married one, respect the good ones. But many of the dudes who are in management have old school (read: biased) views. They cannot see past the ponytail.
- Don't believe me? READ THIS.
- OR THIS - scroll down and start at "What really distinguishes CEOs from the rest of us, for instance?" if you don't want to read the whole article b/c it is long.
- Ladies are constantly hassled AND SUPPOSED TO LIKE IT.
- When I was in grade school & high school I was teased because I was too skinny (well, and also because I was confident in my singular strangeness). I believe the words, "She doesn't even have boobs" were used to describe me in 8th grade in front of the entire class (not scarring at all). I was gauky and gangly (um, still am). Just part of growing up, and not a singular incident, but my point is - I can't help feel that girls get that type of teasing growing up and do boys? I'm not a boy, but the teasing for girls seems to be very directed at how much of a woman they are.
- Once I was out of college and entered the workforce, I have had to deal with all kinds of bullsh!t from males I work with. CONSTANTLY. It's just creepy and weird when dudes from a janitors to colleagues constantly comment on how you look inappropriately. Not like, oh, hey, I like that shirt or You look like spring today! But whispered on the DL often when no one else is around or can hear you. Harassment? I guess? It just walks the border or just doesn't feel worth it. And it happens all the time for me and has for years and years. Don't believe me? Examples:
- "I'm gonna miss that @ss" - upon hearing I was leaving the company
- Whispered to me in a low-not-at-all-(sarcasm)-creepy tone, "you are just so beautiful today. beautiful. beautiful."
- "Not everyone is going to appreciate the way you look."
- BUT REMEMBER: as a female, you have to dress as much like a male as possible. Monkey suit it up. Seriously. Society tells women they should look "forever twenty", but in the workplace, a douty, always-looks-in-her-40s woman has the edge. "Don't take her seriously" "Has to look like she can be in a meeting" were two phrases I had heard because I like color and wear lady-clothes. Silly me! Just remember - dark somber colors (think funeral), no fringes, spangles, sequins, ruffles, prettiness, choose boxy and heels. Oh, heels. Yep, you didn't want to wear them? Tough. They should be black or navy pumps. No straps or fancy-smanch. Hope you can walk in them.
Listen, I'm happy where I am. I've made tough decisions and been lucky to land where I am. I'm not in management. I'm not working corporate. I have comp time after I put in my 40. BUT, it has is frustrating to feel like I have had to pound against the glass ceiling and watch capable colleagues who just happen to be women pound on the glass ceiling.
I often wonder what big world decisions would be different if they had been made by women or with women in tandem with men. How our history would have been negotiated if women had not worked behind the scenes, but front and center.
How does male domination shape our society - out companies, messaging, culture acceptances if women are absent from the highest echelons of decision-making?
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