All Women's College and Transgender Women

Moore in in the beginning / middle of a discussion about gender identity as it relates to Admissions. I attended a forum last night for Moore alumnae/i and shared this:

I came to Moore as a transfer from a state school. Artists were this small weird group of students who were not very bright (obviously if they chose art!) and easily identifiable by the amount of supplies they were carrying around campus - huge rolls of paper, portfolios, T-squares. The art floor was a 4th floor WALK-UP with no ventilation. I remember feeling under-valued, easily dismissed, and judged by my often charcoal-covered appearance immediately and unfairly.

Fast forward to my first semester at Moore:  I lived at Sartain and the previous year's RA also lived on the floor. As a senior, Shelly had decided to not be an RA to focus on her work. The first time I met her, I was taken aback. Shelly, with her 18" pink and green mohawk was an RA last year?! Turns out she was not only an amazing artist (I still remember the impact of her senior show), but also one of the sweetest and most darling people I met.

Some of you are probably like Shelly: able to break stereotypes with the sweetness of her personality alone. 

But I imagine many of you are also like me: it is good for us to be reminded to be open-minded. It's good to be given the opportunity to actively choose acceptance. When I think back on the things I most regret, they are always the regret that I could have been nicer, that I could have chosen to be kinder and shown more humanity than I did.

For me, the Moore community has always been one of kindness and acceptance. It is my sincere hope that Moore will continue to stand for kindness and acceptance.

The way I see it: Before us lies the opportunity to practice acceptance and kindness and to welcome all who identify as a woman into our community.

I realize this is a tricky conversation for many. I'm interested to see where it goes. I also am aware that this conversation is happening in a number of ways across our culture / country. I am hoping for kindness and acceptance in all of those conversations.

Undergrad College Graduation Time! Golden Nuggets of my Brain Thoughts.

My sister graduates with her bachelor's this week - 12 years after my own college graduation.

In my family, it is customary to make greeting cards.  This has always been our tradition, dating back to scribbles on the outside with mom or dad signing our name on the inside before we could write our own letters.

I started to look for inspiration today to make my sister a graduation card.  I looked through my clipping files, magazines, newspapers before it dawned on me, that what I really wanted was to give my sister was some advice that would actually help her.

Listen, I'm all for "Oh, the Places You'll Go!" but a little bit of reality amixed with the graduation glossiness will do everyone some good here.

Ten years after graduation, I realized that I hadn't done all the things I thought I would have done by now.  It's true, it'll happen to you too.  It's OKAY.  Really.  I'm not saying you should plan to not get them done, I'm just saying that when you look up and you're suddenly 35, there will be things you haven't done.

What is more important is what you HAVE gained in that time.

I was working at UArts when Neil Gaiman gave his "Make Good Art" speech.  It was moving and brought the house down.  Everyone was inspired.  He's also, like, totally super hip.

BUT, the truth is, it's not about making GOOD art.  It's about making ANY art.  It's that you KEEP making art.  Make BAD art.  Make MEDIOCRE art.  Just keep making.  CHASE GREATNESS.

'Cause really - if you are N.G., you probs always make good art (or, at least mostly), but if you're 99.999% of the population, you make shitty art 99.999% of the time - especially in the beginning and for a long time after that.  That's just how it is.  The real lesson is: don't get discouraged.

Failure Informs Success.

And there's the take-away - KEEP AT IT - whatever IT is that fuels you.  It could be art, music, writing, science, learning, whatever.  The point is to not give up the piece of you that makes you wonder - that pushes your imagination.

My most spectacular failures have scorched their lessons into the innermost depths of my soul.  I am grateful for them even as I wish they had never happened.

...

And because I've never been short-winded, here're a few other nuggets:

- Relationships are hard.  ALL relationships.  Partners, friends, co-workers, bosses.  Be diligent. Don't take them for granted.  Limit those who are poisonous, but keep up the work for those who are worth it.  Don't compare other people's relationships to yours.  Your relationship will always be its own blessing / challenge as you are neither of the people you are comparing yourself to.

- Be nice to your co-workers.  You'll enjoy your life more.  I've cracked some tough nuts over the years with kindness and laughter.  Keep at the niceness.  In the end, they will also help you pick up the pieces when you make mistakes.

I worked with a woman who I never heard utter a mean word about anyone - in almost a decade! Being nice is a choice.  I'mma not saying I'm never snarky or that it's easy; I'm just pointing out that it's possible to be nice.

- Work hard, but more importantly - learn to work smart.  Prioritize.  Read between the lines - what is it that your boss really wants?  Learn it or ask so you are clear until you can discern for yourself.

- Your corporate boss will never back you (no matter how close you are or how valuable / smart you are) if they think there's more personal gain (for them) if they back the other guy.  Even if you're right.

- Travel.  Travel.  Travel.

- Read.  Articles, books, texts, essays, poetry, you pick.  Just do it.

- Be patient.  This is the hardest thing.  Everything seems to take three times as long as you thought it would.  Be patient.

- Drive safely.  Seriously, get into your zen state.  Road rage is not pretty on anyone and gains you about 30 seconds.  Not worth your or someone else's life.  Try different strategies until you find one that works.  Books on tape works for me.  Comedic podcasts work for many others.

- Take that first crappy job.  You need job experience.  You think you're gonna hate it?  You probably will!  But, it'll serve you well in the long run.  Stick it out at least a year.  Do what is asked of you - but be sure if you are putting in the extra time that your boss knows.  It's a JOB. If you are working crazy hours, you'd best be compensated.

- Negotiate your raise / your job offer.  Practice.  Ask for a raise when you get more work.  Ask for a promotion if you deserve it.  Voice it.  It'll never happen unless you do.

- Go to grad school sooner rather than later.  It gets harder and harder the longer you wait.

- SAVE.  Save those dollars! Start a retirement fund as soon as you are getting a paycheck.

- Before you have lots of other expenses and can live with a bunch of roommates or at home, start paying your loans.  Refinance for a low rate and combine your loans into one payment if possible and set it to auto-pay.  A good student loan repayment history will do your credit favors.  Have extra money because you're living at home?  Put it toward the principle.

- Practice THANKFULNESS.  Seriously, this one thing has been so helpful for me.  Start small if you have to (even sarcastically).  Practice every day.  Practice every time you remember throughout the day.  It gets easier to be thankful the more you practice - and you'll be happier.

Take care of your body.  Wear sunscreen.  Eat your veggies.  Build exercise into your daily routine (bike to work!).  It's much harder once you start working a normal 9-5.

Take Risks - this is a hard one to describe.  Risks are different for everyone, but I've done things that seems crazy to me (not as crazy for others, I'm sure) and it's changed my life.  Quit crappy jobs, gone skydiving, started a novel...

Learn to say no.  Man, this is a really hard one for me.  It takes practice.  If you have trouble saying no, just don't say yes.  Learn to give yourself time to figure out how to say no if you are not good at it on the spot.

Stay in touch with your professors!

Stay in touch with great bosses!

Down time - do it.  Make it.  Without your phone.

PLAY.

And to my sister, I am and will always be your biggest fan.  EPG FTW.

Women & Girls & Finding Happiness

When I read articles or watch trending feeds, they plant a shadowy seed in a dark corner of my brain.  Fields of shadowy seeds, yet to germinate span the horizons of my mind.  Enough seeds planted in the same field and eventually, the planting starts to germinate in that shadowy corner, growing slowly as the light only reaches it occasionally in sporatic flashes.  This is the best way I can describe how I think on events and topics.  Topics all intersect with one another - seeds from seemingly unconnected articles and conversations having been thrown in the same field.

Lately, it seems as if all these seeds have been sewn in a field dedicated to women's issues, but more specifically, young women in America of child-bearing age, say 20 - 35.

I get so frustrated by how media portrays us - young women - (especially commercials - have you seen those BMW commercials that air during Olympic Primetime?!) and annoyed at articles written by men or moms thinking they know what's up.

Here's the truth: moms and men don't know what it's like to be a young woman today.  If you are a man or a mom: You don't.  You are not one.

More importantly, all these messages we receive (men and women) from the moment we are in this world, create a lifetime of hurdles to jump in order to find what makes us happy.  You have to sift through all the things that you think should make you happy, I mean, that's what everyone tells me will make me happy, before you can even start to uncover what really will make you happy (this ties into my thoughts later on still growing and waiting on marriage).

Think on Disney Princess movies.  Growing up, you might have connected with Disney Princesses.  What's the message there?  One, that there is only one right person for you, he's a prince either in name or a diamond in the rough prince, who will fight evil and go through all extremes to be with you.  Sure, recent movies have somewhat flexed in their message, but it's still there.  Especially if you are in the 30 + crowd.

What are the expectations there for a partner?  We will "live happily ever after", he will sacrifice himself for you to give you everything you ever needed, he will always be strong and triumphant, he will forgive all of your flaws because he was instantly smitten with your beauty (hopefully you are beautiful, thin, and have great hair).  Oh, and be sure to get married or find your match when you are like, 16.  Cause, that's when it will happen.  I mean, maybe when you are 18 or 20, but after that you are just too old.

Huh.  Well, it turns out that in order to "live happily ever after" you have to work hard at it and both of you have to compromise.  And if you ask someone to sacrifice all of themselves, they end up with nothing of themselves.
As to your man being strong and triumphant always - it turns out it is better to rely on yourself.  Do your own research, learn to stand on your own feet.  That way between the two of you, you can make a good decision.  Relying on someone else to make all your decisions just leads to helplessness and spite (perhaps you know a mom who allowed her husband to make all of her decisions for her and you have seen this yourself **I'm not lumping all moms in this category! I'm just saying to look around and take note if there is one.).

AND, as to forgiving all your sins because you are beautiful, well, actually, that does work.  Kidding.  Hopefully, you find a partner who forgives you (and you forgive them) not because you are beautiful, but because you are worth it.  Because you are the kind of person worth forgiving.

As to age, well...I'm sure you've all heard of or read the Princeton Mom's article on being sure to use college to find a man to marry.  I've been thinking about the marriage-mart a lot over the years and it just all came back and slapped me in the face when I read that article.

I went to an all women's college, so whoops. 

But really.  Let me briefly respond to the idea that you must find a man in college:  1. Internet dating is forever. 2. How many of those who jumped into relationships young are divorced?  In my circles, many.  I had been in maybe 10 weddings before I was married, of those...let's see who is still married...two couples.  I've been to lots of other weddings where the couple is still together, but the greater message to me has been that an early marriage does not mean a happy one.  AND, that people are still changing and growing tremendously after college and folks often grow apart.  AND that not everyone is really ready for marriage at 25, but society tells us we should get married before we will look old in our pictures.

(Side note: I worked with a Chinese girl who told me once that after 25 you are "left over Christmas cake" - meaning that everyone loved Christmas cookies, cakes, sweets before and on Christmas, but once 26 hits, no one is interested. - Good grief!)

In our parents' generation, society helped us to see that women played 2nd fiddle to men (that's sarcasm, folks).  But today, women don't have to put their own wishes aside for a dude.  Do you want a career? (it's okay if the answer is no. it's also okay if the answer is yes!)  Not sure if you do or not want kids?  Oh, and you don't have to settle for the first guy you sleep with.  That doesn't make you a slut, that makes you practical.

As to wanting kids... There have been a lot of articles about women who don't want kids flying around.  You've read them, I'm sure.  That's great if you don't want kids.  You don't have to want kids.

BUT, it's also okay if you don't know.  OR, if you don't want kids and then you decide five years later that oh, you really DO want kids.  OR if you want kids want kids want kids (and if later you decide, 'what was I thinking! I don't want kids!', that's okay too).  You don't need to make up your mind now, you don't need to get married just because you might want to have kids.  You can decide later, and you can always adopt.  It's okay to change your mind.

Speaking of burning down the planet and getting back to one other important issue I want to touch on: appearance.  Women and girls and beauty and Disney and stories.  When was the last time you saw an overweight Disney Princess?  What message does that send?  Come to think of it, when was the last time you saw an overweight girl heroine (not woman, girl)?

I remember reading, "Fit is the new Skinny".  That's ridiculous.  Skinny is skinny.  Fit is fit.  They are not the same.  If you are physically fit, then that's amazing.  Don't belittle it by saying fit is the new skinny.  Just embrace fit as fit.  It's like someone saying Orange is the New Black (and meaning it in fashion).  It isn't.  Black is black is will always be black.

I'mma let you in on a not-so-secret.  I'm skinny.  It's genetic.  I have a sweet tooth that takes up my entire mouth and makes it hard for me to talk.  I'm also pretty.  Sorry, it's true.  But, there are still tons of things I would change about myself (that's the not-so-secret).  I consider myself to be fairly accepting of myself, but I still find I am extremely critical.  I'm never going to look like a Disney Princess.  First, I don't have the hair for it.  I have super shitty hair.  Secondly, I can't sing, and that's a big part of being a DP.  Also, I don't have that straight nose.  Seriously, though, it's like trying to be a Barbie Doll - physically impossible.

There's a great short TED talk by a super model who talks about how super models are the most self-conscious people on the planet.  That's what I'm talking about.

We live in a place were people are telling you that to be happy, you need to be skinny and beautiful, you need to find a man, you need to have kids, you need a big TV and fancy clothes.

I guess I think it's all bull.  I'm happier than I've ever been.  I do have a husband, but my happiness does not come from him (although, I'm happy to share my happy life with him).  My happiness comes from my self-fulfillment.  Truly.  I don't own a car, I don't have a fancy house, I can't buy lots of expensive clothing.

You want to be happy?  Be thankful.  Be honest with yourself.  Find your personal mission statement and use that as your North Star.