Part V: Sometimes my inner commentary sounds like tweets from The Onion

Rude, jerky girl comes by it honestly, "My parents were assh0les."

Second rude, jerky girl blames parents, "My parents spoiled me."

Boyfriend just trying to contain girlfriend's crazy.

Girl wears full metal spike breastplate to concert.  "They'll only elbow you in the stomach or back into you once." 

Tiny pocket tranquilizer gun perfect for concerts.

Concert Kit includes:  Pocket Tranquilizer Gun, Ammo, 3 joints, Zen and the Art of Happiness, shoe lifts, pocket flask, external pockets.

>>>>>>>>>>

Company hires interviewer to hire interviewer.

Cat jumps into refrigerator, takes bath.

Family decides to invest in coffee maker rather than new car.

Staring contest with dog always disappointing.

Shoe manufacturer 100% positive that large footed women want to wear clunky ugly shoes.

Teen spends all free time writing Amazon reviews, "It's the new Facebook."

Kindle to offer digital toilet paper.  Never put it down.  Read and wipe in one sitting. 

Part IV: Sometimes my inner commentary sounds like tweets from The Onion

Girl watches cat for 12 hours straight, "It's like we're the same person.".

Angie's List Magazine most anticipated periodical each month in the Smith household.

Husband sleeping on couch because it's more comfortable.

Upper middle class only child excited to start first job. "I'll be okay.  Mom will pack me a lunch," says the 25 year old.

New iPhone App allows you to power the electronic signals to your heart through your phone or tablet.  "This way I don't ever have to watch what I eat or exercise.  All I have to do is to remember never to stray too far from an outlet."

Single girl secretly hates Pinterest. "Sometimes I'm really glad to go to weddings just so I don't have to see wedding boards constantly in my Pinterest feed. Not that Pinteresting, actually. You pinned 227 dresses. That seems helpful."